D…. is for ‘Discovery’

Posted on April 5, 2012

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A while back, about a year into being Baptised and becoming a Christian, I participated in an amazing course called Care Force Life Keys ( http://www.careforcelifekeys.org/aus/ ).

During that course I was able to recognise ‘My Discovery…’ It was a turning point in my life, and on the 25th October 2008 I wrote this blog:

2 nights ago, I forgave my mother.
I didn’t even know that I had to forgive her.
I didn’t even know that I was still hurting.

When I was a little girl and it was 3am one of those many many early mornings, and we had just called the ambulance again to come and rescue mum, because she had collapsed on the floor and was having seizures from drug withdrawls, I prayed.

I used to pray that mum would die.

What kind of person would do that?

When my brother and I used to huddle in the corner or hide under the table, crawl beneath the couches, and skit away from Ray so that he wouldn’t hit us, and our mother was passed out from being intoxicated and beaten, I prayed.

I prayed that mum would die.

What kind of person would do that?

A little person.. a 12 year old girl who couldnt see any other way out to stop seeing her mother cry all the time. 
 A desperate person…
 A horrible person?!?!?
 A Cruel and Nasty person with a mean spirit and heart..
 A selfish Person.

What kind of person .. seriously… would pray for something like that!

I forgot that you know. I forgot until the other night when I saw the cycle of addiction presented before me. All the ways that we try to fill the emptiness within us, and numb the pain within us.

There is pain in life – and that pain sets us up for what we may call… a Discovery.

A Discovery – something that we find that takes the pain way from us, or hides it.

In medical terms – this is refered to as an analgesic – it removes or reduces the pain, but it doesnt do anything to address the actual cause of the pain.

The relief – This is the result of finding and using the Discovery (or analgesic)

The relief never lasts and it leads to a relapse…

The Relapse – When the relief has gone and a fresh sense of awareness returns.
With this comes the pain again and very often the shame associated with the choice and manner of relief.

Pain – The return and fresh awareness of pain contrasts with the sense of relief – so ofcourse our level of pain and shame is increased

Hence… The CYCLE – with the pain now back and increased the desire to repeat the cycle to find relief once again is also raised.

end RESULT – Addiction

Sooo what sets us up in the first place… – we as human beings are set up by the fact that our hearts are hurting, needy, longing for something that we can’t even identify.

The list of items that can be involved in the moment of discovery is almost without limit. Very often they include:

  • Drugs – Alcohol, Mariuana, Herion ect
  • Sporting Sucess
  • Test Scores
  • Adrenalin
  • Sex
  • Romance
  • Pornography
  • Approval from service
  • Approval from conformity (pressure from peers)
  • Earning Money

When I saw the cycle laid out before me, the word addiction, I thought of my mother, my heart ached, and I crushed the inside of my cheeks with my teeth.

She was hurting. Ofcourse she was hurting. She had a life that started with abuse.. She was abused, she was betrayed, her heart was broken, and she was just a little girl. Her ‘Discoveries’ set her up for a lifelong experience of abuse, and so it continued…

All the choices she made through her life reflected her great desperation to be be loved and and accepted. For her heart to be healed from the pain she had experienced.

Her many choices and ‘Discoveries’ of alcohol, prescription medication and men led to a brief relief followed by relapse with diminishing returns… – more and more pain.

My mothers ‘Discoveries’ killed her.

She struggled with the withdrawls, and fought very hard. I do know later on in life that she put in a big effort to address the initial cause of her pain. She was not only dealing with the instigating events, but also with the resulting consequences of her ‘Discoveries’. She would have been carrying a mountain on her shoulders, and her heart would have been so sore.

I have pain – alot of pain from many things. Alot of things I experienced as a child, the things I saw, and witnessed. Some of that pain that has been addressed – and alot of pain that has not been addressed.

God meant for me to recognise one of my main ‘Discoveries’ on Thursday night.

I thought I was smart… No Alcohol (not much) – Definitely NEVER any drugs, Certainly not sex, Men – I’ve only ever loved 3 – emotionally, spritually, physically. The second 2 commitments were not healthy due to some form of abusive behaviour. The last, apon reflection was later unreciprocated… oddly enough I still love him greatly.

I am true to myself.

No… I don’t have the aches and pains of substance abuse to resolve on top of my pain.

My Discovery is food. Which lately appears to revolve around my emotionally traumatic romantic relationships with men. So perhaps I have got myself a COMBO deal here…

Food with men as a side dish.. *eyes cross over in head*

Now that I know what it is… my discovery that is.. I need to do some diggin around in my past to put my finger on the things that are resulting in my unhealthy behaviour. Sure FOOD in the short term is not going to kill me – not as quickly as Drugs or abuse of alcohol might, but it has its own little set of fangs that leave some scars.

I made the discovery of food when I was very young, I didnt know what I was doing then, and it didnt seem to matter so much because it gave me comfort and I was such an active little critter it never had any visual or health effects.

The abuse of eating or NOT eating when traumatised in romance has had my weight flutuate from 52kgs – to almost 110kgs. Generally my average weight sits on about 66kgs – and I am quite content with that. When I left solomon – I was 1 month pregnant with Cameron and I had never eaten so much food in my life. I went from 63kgs to over 100kgs when I finally gave birth to him. I ate – even when I wasnt hungry. I’ve got myself a wonderful village of stretch marks all over my belly… and breasts.. and sure… women get those when they have babies.. BUT I ate – and ate and ate.. and I know putting on that much weight would not have been good for my insides, nor would have been loosing it all in 3 months either.

Forgiving my mother was a big part of the healing process. Forgiving myself is another one I am working apon…

Our ‘Discoveries’ can never truly end our pain, because ANY physical Solution to a spiritual problem will only ever produce temporary results…

What is your ‘Discovery’… and can you have enough humility to lower your defences long enough to ask for help?

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